He was the only person I know who actually thought I mattered. He accepted me for who I am. He used to look out 4 me. He used 2 look forward 2 seeing me. The only time he comes near me today is to have sex. I have to wake him up to even come 2 bed. He is 2 busy. It feels like there is no love. I have been unemployed 2long. He doesn't work, he stays home and plays with his toys, works on projects around his house, or is busy entertaining his friends, first, of course.
He forgot I needed him. He forgot I need him too. It's like he'll think of someway I am trying to betray him He cusses at me and has even gotten physical to where I have bruises on my body. I know you are thinking what a dummy I am but I just want to know if I can fix it or is it too late, the damage is already done. I'm not even sure if he loves me but if there is something I can try 2 do 2 fix it I will before I say goodbye forever. I have been angry with myself for even believing he was my soul mate and best friend when maybe all I am holding on to is fantasy He treats me as needed He ignores me when certain friends come by He totally fights with me in front of his friends and goes into battle mode just to show everyone he is louder, and more dominate.
And I absorbed every wound because I let him convince me that he was doing me a favor. Trying to help me become a better person. Except that both his efforts to change me and my efforts to change myself by sheer willpower were futile. One time, I even wrote him a letter about my feelings. Maybe you can relate? Or maybe you feel like every issue in your relationship is always your fault. Perhaps you also have a secret place where you pour out your desire to be loved exactly as you are.
So why do I still love him? Then stick around for what to do about it. Despite what he says, you love him with all your heart. The evidence is clear to anyone who knows the inside story. You give them first place in your life; try to make them happy; and love them through every hard time that comes. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
So even though he keeps hurting you emotionally, you still love him because you believe in commitment. And although it hurts like a mother when your boyfriend inflicts his emotional wounds , you suck it up and keep going. By grabbing this free download, you agree to receive future emails from me. But you can unsubscribe at any time. After all, you always scramble unsuccessfully to find counterarguments when he unveils your latest faults. Waiting, expecting, and wishing that it will.
Is it carelessness? A genetic predisposition involving a lack of empathy? A lack of proper nurturing? A culturally indoctrinated tendency? In my search for answers to the toughest philosophical questions, I find myself being enlightened in the most unusual ways; and often, by the most unexpected people. One the convicted felons said something that stuck with me because of its poignancy. Pain is all I know, so what else can I give?
I have so much pain, I have to get rid of it onto others. Others deserve to suffer because I did. I had no choice so why should anyone else? I need to share it. Any feeling felt strongly enough is a feeling that imposes the desire to share it. When you are in love, you floats. You wish to shout from the mountain tops about your potently bursting feelings. The same thing happens when you are in pain, and perhaps, a potently bursting negative feeling deserves no less tribute.
In any case, human beings have a social proclivity towards sharing feelings. In the case of hatred, anger or violence, the emotion is often so horrible and powerful that the person feeling it wants to get rid of it, and since the emotion is so volatile, the expression of it tends to be as well. In addition, even if on some deep moral level a person knows that hurting others is wrong, the compulsion to eradicate the bad feelings, on a psychological level, is prevalent.
The need to not feel intensely negative all the time overrides the need to walk a moral or ethical path. In essence, I think it is very likely that the act of imposing pain on others might be merely symptomatic of overflowing negative emotions.
Every person has a threshold for pain; the breaking point is when the dam of self control breaks and the pain floods out. I would go so far as to say this a survival mechanism we are born with. Adaptationist thinking about physiological mechanisms, such as the heart, lungs, and immune system, is common in evolutionary biology. Evolutionary psychology applies the same thinking to psychology, arguing that the mind is a modular structure similar to that of the body with different modules having adapted to serve different functions.
Evolutionary psychologists argue that much of human behaviour is the output of psychological adaptations that evolved to solve recurrent problems in human ancestral environments.
We are biologically programmed to survive. Psychologically, when a person feels fearful and hurt all the time due to inappropriate neural networking, a person can feel threatened by even things and people that are no threat to them in reality , fight or flight syndrome kicks in and puts them in offensive mode. To take this point further, if a child is born into an abusive life and learns nothing but abuse, pain, fear and intimidation, they will not only be conditioned to think that this type of feeling is normal in other words, the nurture side of things conditions them to believe that this is the way things are , but they might also feel an even deeper conditioning based on the biological and social need to connect with others to share what they have experienced.
In essence, if the method of connection is created in a chaotic mind, it often presents in a chaotic or harmful way. This is where is gets really interesting for me as a philosopher. If human beings are deprived of meaningful social connection, studies have shown they tend to become hateful and violent, even insane. So in a way, inflicting, imposing or sharing their negative emotions on the world and those in it is a way of sustaining and connecting with what remains of their humanness.
It is a perhaps psychologically deviated method of touching the spirituality of human being itself that in reality, a violently abused child, for instance, may have never actually experienced. In life, I have little sympathy for people who choose to hurt others simply because they are in pain. But this does not stop me from wanting to understand why people deal with their pain by sloughing it off onto others.
I believe all overcompensations, psychological chaos, hyper-emotional states and unreasonable decisions are made due to an imbalance in the mind, caused either by bad nurturing or a lack of connection to nature. Without a good balance of both mother nature and nurture, ego is allowed to drive the bus, when it should be sitting at the back of it, forced to be quiet while the metaphorically and sometimes annoyingly cheerful possibilities of happy driving songs echo through the mind.
With the ego at the wheel, anything is possible. Without the emotional equipment necessary to build appropriate caring relationships, in the empty vacuum of the human soul, one will create something else. That something is typically highly emotional, as there is perhaps an even stronger emotional desire to be met, as it never was met properly, but emotional in a way that is inappropriate, hurtful or intentionally cruel.
But again, underneath even the worst intentions is perhaps the simple human desire to be a part of something else: To share an experience with another. To connect. To say that hurt people hurt people makes sense to me. But what of unhurt people who hurt people? How do we explain the fact that some people with great lives, great upbringings, lots of love and opportunities, in some cases, still seek to impose harm on others?
What of all the hurtful games in society, the lying, the cheating, the bullying, media intimidation, idle gossip and voyeuristically bizarre reality television shows? I think it might be just that. Human beings are bored with the five-senses world and have pushed it into the heights and depths of depravity and debauchery out of boredom for something more.
I believe that people lie to themselves about why they do what they do as a way to deny that they are in fact propagating the parts of themselves they do not wish to see, and further, to mask the fact that they could be much more if only they looked. But even without nefarious intentions behind self delusions and lying, there is insecurity. But no matter what the reason, I find these types of behaviours self-mutilating. Ego would have us believe otherwise, of course, but with right intention, any mind can be rewired.
Every person can take the desire to be intentionally cruel and transform it into something ego cannot even touch, let alone understand. Image by Pierre Peetah Flickr. Creative Commons. Some Rights Reserved. What sort of wisdom these type of person s tend to hurt you while you did nothing just as in a way of nothing to cause any harm toward them? I disagree with most of these comments. First of all some of these people are too nice, and should know that it only makes sense to forgive those who are absolutely worth forgiving.
The proof is — just look at retaliatory gang related killings. I am the oldest of 4 and we had the most violent and abusive father. The effects of his behavior still shows in and on all of us. Our reactions are split. One son and the Golden Child daughter are mean, cruel people, like our dad. The other brother and I have suffered more by his actions yet the 2 of us are positive and basically honest people. I ask myself why. I had the class count off as a 1 or 2.
That AM, the 1 group could make mean statements to the other group being discriminated against. Nothing physical was allowed and we had our classes as usual. After lunch time, the groups could switch. Absolutely NONE of the victimized group chose to participate at all. So, the hurt kids refused to hurt others even when they had permission to do so.
It hurt me to see the effects of this, so I apologized to the kids for conducting this experiment. It ended up having a profound effect on all of us and flies in the face of you premise here. I do believe that your statement is true for some but not all. My 5th grade class and the difference in 4 siblings tell me so. To this day, I have great difficulty understanding how some people can be so incredibly cruel and mean to other people. My mind just does not naturally go to that kind of thinking.
We, each, are the sum total of our experience at any point in time in our lives. At some point when viewing our life, in the metaphorical sense, as being a building that provides all manner of things, some good some not so good, the question is whether to stay, or leave the building and live as one imagines life should be led.
This of course requires a clean cut from those things you wish to disassociate from in your future life and unfortunately you also leave behind those things you would otherwise be reluctant to lose. To reconstruct a life in the manner you desire demands total belief and commitment.
Yeah everybody I will admit has a different idea of what a rough upbringing is now that I will say. Whom I thought was over protective I was so far from wrong try a controlling miserable toxic horrible person.
To take up for people that they see being done like they were. Just like my poor little cousin who was a spoiled little brat who had mommy, daddy and both sides of his family ppl. And yes he played a part in some crucial things hanging out with a gang.
But as I said the whole gang thing might have the effect as far as why someone would get into something like that coming from a bad home but as far as what they do when there in it. I get so tired of hearing everybody tries to make excuses for anybody that does something wrong if the parents fall they were raised wrong.
There are people out here everyday children being beaten, neglected emotionally abuse causing tremendous psychological damage. And I commented way too much sorry. Thank you Mary for your article. I am in the process of exploring myself. I later went to find the reasons. When I discovered more about myself, I realised that I have been so insecure and hurtful that I have always denied and hidden from it, that I lied, disrespected and hurt the person who showed me his love and care.
And I became depressed and fearful all the time of even vague reasons. I have lived in fear. But the truth is I am vulnerable, very sensitive, and have a very negative mind full of fear, guilt, jealousy. Thank you that I have a chance to express myself. And I wish you all the best in life.
Apologies for the late response. And you are so welcome. Time has been different for me lately. Perhaps you have experienced this too. I have been assimilating so much of my own experiences and what I have learned and have been in a sort of isolation period. I expect to be out of this long sabbatical and to be posting some more writing again.
I respect the process and trust it. And I send all of those to you. Well said. A cut is a cut. The scar is the reminder. We dont from survival instinct, allow ourselves to forget the situation which caused the scar.
That scar made a memorable change in our behavior s. Most will not allow it at any cost to happen again. At the same time they feel proud they stood up to it. Why do people think they can just say whatever the hell they want towards me ,then blow it off as an un- intentional joke,or slight.
In the last year my father has passed away, my dog died 3 mnths prior, and my girlfriend of 3 years left me with no explanation. ALL this in the year , so yes I am slightly emotional and on edge but I honestly feel as if I have a sign which says kick me hidden to my view, which only the rest of the world sees.
I was in serious shock and mortified by my fathers passing as he seemed to be very well and fine right before he died. It almost seemed like the devil had come back to kick me one more time, while I was down but not quite out when she returned. Wow, friends like this , who needs enemys, but I do wish her the best.
Yeah right! God help me…. Why do I attract such insensitive, narcissistic a-holes for partners I wonder?? They ask for money to see a report of lies. I am so sad. Because you are trying to heal your pain from your childhood- subconsciously. There is a book called how to get the love you want- Dr Hendrix. It is for couples, but I found it helpful for self growth. I am glad you commented. This writing thing tends to be therapeutic. Your words punctuate that most important line: The line that people cross, as if they own the right to your story … the lack of reason why others seem to be entirely unaware of their own behaviour, their actions and the consequences of both, continues to elude me.
Years have gone by since I wrote this, and I am still grappling with the topic. I have received some new insights and appreciate your comment as it echoes those new insights. Sometimes it feels like we are here to heal ancestral or familial wounds.. It feels as if there is some kind of twisted destiny at play.
To forgive is not something we can just do, is it? It takes enormous courage and self-reflection and if done, it has to be real. Not just words. This is no small feat. But this pain we feel from this imposed and foreign feeling cruelty and indeed, sadistic psychopathy … it seems as if it is more than an idea pathogen … more than a cyclical pattern or even a genetic propensity.
It seems to be something else to me. Like a possession of sorts that attempts to predate and seep inside the vulnerable, sometimes making itself seem seductive, glamourous and cool. Other times, it just dumps a truck on you out of nowhere. I have come to believe more and more that this whole is a giant pattern and we are here to choose which patterns we embrace. So many seem to have become settled in the sense that being either a victim or a predator are the only options in this strange world.
They do not have the courage and penetrating discernment to call their own egos out and to see the darkness within as a training ground, which is how I see it. Why are we capable of communicating about this pain? Why are we able to see it but not be it? If no one else cares, why should I? What I have discovered is that it does not matter if it seems no one else cares. First of all, that is simply not true; it is just how it appears sometimes due to our tendency to metaphorically focus on the one nail head out of thousands which is not hammered in perfectly; flush with the medium it finds itself in.
It is therefore important to stop this before it overwhelms you both. If you recognize this in yourself:. Think about why you have the need to control your partner in the first place.
What signs has your partner given you so far to make it essential to be in defense mode? What can be the consequences of this behaviour? How can you find common ground in order to solve your differences peacefully and without inflicting harm on each other. The Trust and Safety Paradox. The more intimacy, love and trust is developed between two partners, the more freedom you feel to just be yourself and not censor your words and actions.
Instead, you may feel inclined to behave and speak openly and authentically to your partner. You feel safe enough to be yourself fully. The same applies for any close relationship , but may be more intense between family members and romantic partners. Friends may be a bit more conscious about inhibitions and limits in the way they speak and act to each other, though the more trust and closeness in a friendship, inevitably the more authentic the expression too.
However, this lack of inhibitions and boundaries makes it easier to unintentionally hurt the other person. Maybe an innocent, spontaneous comment can be perceived as hurtful or offensive, or a joke sounds a bit too sharp or inconsiderate to your partner.
Or you feel so safe with your partner that you allow yourself to break down in tears in front of them, and subsequently need their comfort and assistance in order to recover- but you don't realize this can have a negative impact on them too.
At the beginning stages of intimate relationships during the honeymoon phase , we usually present our best possible Self to our partner; just the shiny Parts. We tend to closely monitor our behaviour in order to be regarded as perfect and wonderful as possible, and avoid acting in any way that could jeopardize the new-found connection we are invested to further develop.
Yet this is just a Persona, since we all have darker or weaker Parts that we carefully hide until it feels safer to show them too. Feeling safe means trusting that the other will accept us even if we dare to be ourselves fully. Feeling safe enough to show all of You is of course something positive , and the reflection of true intimacy - but also quite tricky. It is easy to lose control and overstep the boundaries of the other. If you find yourself in this position:.
Working towards positive outcomes strengthens your connection and makes you both feel like a team, which is an amazing foundation for your relationship. Attachment Style. Quite a lot that happens in our intimate relationships is determined by our attachment style, that can be changed with a lot of inner work and positive relational experiences.
We learn to love in familiar ways. Mostly unconsciously, we strive to reenact our childhood experiences of what love is and how is it expressed.
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